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WTF?!

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I can't make this stuff up...   On my way back to my office from lunch I stepped onto a waiting elevator which was empty — remember that fact, it's going to come in handy.  I stood to one side by the buttons on the left side — remember what I just said about the buttons.  A man stepped on the same aforementioned elevator and stood in front of me...like six inches off my tits. Da fuck?!  Did I wear my cloak of invisibility to lunch again?  There's like 120 square feet of empty space in this box and this mafucka chose to stand directly in front of me.  There is literally not another soul anywhere near this elevator inside or out — remember what I said before about it being empty.  There's even another set of buttons on the right side of the car.  His ass better be on the high functioning end of the  spectrum  to try and pull this shit on me.   "Umm excuse me? King dickhead?!  You want to step the fuck off? This ...
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Smells Like Cabbage

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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I had a medical appointment this afternoon and  upon taking a seat in my designated exam room I noted there was a distinct odor in the room.  I sniffed and thought, aloud, "smells like cabbage in here."   Dismissing that thought I looked to one side and noticed a machine that was, to say the least (literally), invasive .   It looked like a 14-inch alien probe, complete with graduated markings to let you know how...um, deep...things were getting.  I didn't see anything that looked like a 14 inch condom. I did see a lot of lube.  And a roll of toilet paper.   Not sure if that was for the tears or to wipe and I'm sure there were tears. Probably some considerable screaming and clenching too. Then more tears.     Probably some outright bawling on the ride home with slippery butt cheeks.
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